Dinosaurs, Great white sharks, and heroes, Oh MY!
by ThisbeHecate
Summary: Snape has snapped. He attempts to guess Harry's reason for his lack of homework... again. Fourth in the Potions homework series
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Don't own it, don't have money, don't sue!

He couldn't believe it. For the fourth class in a row, Harry Potter did not have his potions homework. Snape was debating if he wanted to know why, or if he should simply kick the Gryffindor out of his class. The choice, however, was soon taken out of his hands, as one of his Slytherin's asked the dreaded question.

"So, what's the excuse this time, scar head?" Yes, the youngest Malfoy was the one who opened his big mouth before Snape could stop him.

Harry simply glanced at Draco, then at Snape, and opened his mouth as though to answer him.

Something within him had snapped. Snape quickly decided he had had enough of the boys stupid, irrational excuses. If the headmaster wanted to play along with his stupid little games, fine! But he wasn't going to put up with it in his class any longer. So before Harry even said one word, Snape spoke.

"Let me guess, Potter," he sneered across the room, then also throwing Malfoy a withering glare that told him he would be dealt with later. "Did the giant squid eat your homework?"

That brought a round of laughter from the students, even most of the Gryffindors chuckled at the question.

"What? Oh, no, sir, actually…" was as far as Harry got before he was interrupted by Snape.

"No? Hmm, I wonder what else it could have been. Oh, did a centaur beat you up and steal your homework?"

"No, sir…" Harry attempted to answer his professor, but was once again, cut off.

"Wait! I know… did one of the headmasters candies steal your homework?"

Harry was appearing to become quite agitated that his professor wouldn't allow him to speak. When Snape paused again, Harry attempted, again, to speak.

"Sir, if you would just let me…"

"No no no. I want to try and guess why!" Snape had a strange, slightly deranged look in his eyes now. "Were you off playing the hero? Did someone step on a poor ant? You had to save it? Is that it?"

By now, even his Slytherin's were slowly backing away from their head of house. On the other side of the classroom, the Gryffindor's were inching away from their fellow classmate, apparently just as afraid for his sanity as the Slytherin's were for Snape's.

At his latest suggestion, Harry didn't even attempt to reply. He simply glared at his potion master, and waited for the lunatic to go on.

"No… that wouldn't be right, would it? When you play hero, you end up in the hospital wing…" Now, Snape was pacing back and forth in front of the desk Harry sat at, merely mumbling to himself, not really speaking up to be heard by anyone except Harry. "Pity you're not in the hospital wing, you wouldn't be in my class! What could it possibly be…" Snape just stood there, in front of Harry, not noticing the looks he was receiving from the rest of the class. It looked like he was trying to think along the lines of Harry, trying to think up something moronic enough that the boy would use.

"Okay! I've got it!" Snape actually clapped his hands, much like a child when they figure out a difficult puzzle. "Ok, so, you were on your way to your common room, but, for reasons unknown, you were alone. All your little followers were… were… being accosted by the headmaster in the Great Hall! Yes, that's it." Snape vigorously rubbed his hands together, then continued, "Yes, you were on your way upstairs when a dinosaur somehow leapt from a painting on the stair well, and… and… chased you back downstairs, and you ended up being chased all the way outside. You then ran into the Forbidden Forest, where, for some reason, the dinosaur wouldn't follow. But, you being… well, you, kept running deeper into the forest. When suddenly there was… a…" Snape again paused, trying to think of where Potter would go from there.

"Sir, if you would just…" Harry attempted, yet again, to explain to his teacher why he didn't have his homework, but yet again, he didn't get far.

This time, Snape waved his hand at the boy, and said "shhhhhh" Then resumed his pacing.

"Then you were knocked out by a space heater falling from the sky. When you woke up, you found you had been tied to a tree by a great white shark. He was going to eat you, unless you gave him your potions homework to eat. So, as usual, you put yourself first, and to hell with everything else. You just… just threw him your homework like it was just… a piece of meat! Yes. That's it, a piece of meat."

He paused again, face screwed up, thinking of just where he could go with this. He froze for a few moments, a vacant look in his eyes as he thought. After a little while longer, he snapped out of it, and continued.

"Now, that happened last night, you could have redone the homework… but why didn't you?"

Harry thought he was actually asking him and opened his mouth to answer him, until Snape answered his own question and continued on with his rant.

"Because after the shark let you go, you were lost in the forbidden forest. You began walking, hoping you were going in the correct direction to reach the castle. When suddenly… Captain Crunch attacked! He was hungry, and he wanted your potions homework, but you had already given it to the great white, the captain was about to kill you until Count Chocula came and saved you!! That would have been the end of it, but the Count got stuck in Spiderman's web! After Batman and Catwoman saved you, you gave them your herbology homework, cause they were hungry too! Everyone knows that heroes only eat other peoples homework!" At this point Snape actually bent down to whisper this part in Harry's ear, although the whole class still heard, "It comes with the job."

He then stood once more, and continued his rant and his pacing.

"Unfortunately for you, Mr. Potter," here, Snape actually paused and pointed at Harry, as though Harry didn't know who he was, "no one that saved you knew where Hogwarts is! So, you ended up going further and further into the forest. After many hours, you actually emerged, only to find yourself in a strange muggle city. Now, Batman and Catwoman being as dumb as all heroes," Snape cast a sly glance at Harry, making sure he knew that Snape was calling him dumb as well, "thought that that was where you wanted to go, and they left you."

By now, even Harry had started slowly inching away from his professor. Since Harry was the reason for Snape's rambling, his teacher noticed he had moved. Instead of telling him to return to his seat, Snape actually walked over to where Harry was, and didn't just grab his arm and guide him to his chair, for reasons known only to Snape, he put his wand in his mouth, to have both hands free, bent over, and picked Harry up in a fireman's lift, brought him back to his seat, and plopped the student in his chair.

By now, Harry was very, very frightened. A teacher picked him up. Not just any teacher, SNAPE!

At the front of the classroom yet again, Snape continued, as though he had not just picked up and carried his least favorite student to his place in the class room, and he had done so in front of witnesses!

"Where was I? Oh that's right, the muggle city. Now, since you are… well, you, you had no money on you. You had to resort to begging to collect enough money for a muggle taxi. Then you needed to make sure you had enough money for a very good tip, since the taxi had to go through the forest because, you don't know how to reach Hogwarts except by train." When he reached this part, Snape began nodding his head, as though agreeing with himself.

"It took hours for you to eventually return to the castle, you returned, in fact, just two minutes before the bell for this class, so of course you couldn't have redone your homework!" When he finished, he turned back to Harry and raised an eyebrow, as though asking, "I'm right, aren't I?"

For a few minutes, Harry couldn't make a sound. He simply sat at his desk and stared at his professor. When he was able to speak, there was only moments before the bell would ring to end this class.

Every so slowly, Harry opened his mouth, afraid of being cut off again.

"Professor, I forgot you had assigned us homework, that's all." Before this sunk into his teachers mind, he had his things collected and ran from the room, followed by the rest of the class. Each shooting their professor a fearful glance, as he had still not moved since Harry admitted that he had only forgotten about the homework.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Don't own it, don't have money, don't sue!

Harry Potter was late. In fact, he was extremely late. Even worse, he was extremely late for potions. This time, however, he wasn't bothered by it. In his mind, it wasn't his, Harry's, fault that he was late. It's was all Snape's fault. It was Snape's fault he was late, that he didn't have his homework, that he was hot, and sweating, and in pain. It was all Snape!

Harry had never had a day stranger than today. Even living in a castle where most everything in sight was magical, that there were hundreds of children running around in said castle with magic wands. Nothing those students could ever do would be more strange than what had happened to Harry.

He felt his legs and feet wanting to run down the stairs to class. Usually in his brain Snape was usually attached with the desire to run. Run to him (for class, of course), or more likely, running away from him. But Harry took his time going down the stairs into the dungeon, along the halls and down to his potions classroom.

When he finally made it he was tired, and limping. His backpack was covered in mud and blood. His blood. Ever so slowly he opened the classroom door, and peeked his head in. Seeing Snape in front of the class, Harry actually smirked. A smirk Snape would have felt envious of. All sarcasm, with a layer of anger, and a bit of madness.

As he walked into the classroom, Snape finally looked up. Harry saw a sneer coming over his face before his professor noticed the blood and mud all over him, then he had a look of disgust on his face. Harry made his way up the class, passing his seat, continuing up to stand in front of the professors desk.

Snape made to open his mouth, but before he could:

"STOP!" Harry yelled, causing half the class, and Snape, to jump in fright. An evil glint came into Snapes eye, and he went to open his mouth again, but again before he could, Harry stopped him.

"NO! Don't you realize what you did yesterday?!" Harry was now glaring at Snape, and there was a flicker of something… almost like fear come into the black eyes.

"You screwed me over yesterday is what you did!" Now Harry had taken to doing what Snape had done only the day before. He was pacing back and forth in front of the desk. "Oh, you thought you were being so clever, didn't you?" without pausing for an answer, Harry continued. "Everything that you said yesterday, EVERYTHING, happened to me TODAY!" He walked closer to Snape and showed him something on his head. "See this, Sir? See that? Yea, that would be from the space heater falling from the sky!"

Snape had a skeptical look on his face.

"Oh, come on, Mr. Potter, that could have been from anything, even…" before he could say another word, Harry cut him off.

"NO! You are not allowed to say anything like that! Ok, you don't believe me? Ok, here." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out something white and triangular in shape. Snape took it in his hand and studied it. Looking back at Harry, he asked,

"What is this supposed to be?" and he held the object up.

Harry quickly snatched it out of his professors hand, and hissed, "It's a great white sharks TOOTH!"

Snape still didn't believe him.

"Ok, fine, wait here." Harry told him and he quickly walked back to the classroom door. He opened it, but instead of leaving through it, he called to some people to come into the class. Harry stepped back and allowed the two people to enter. Harry whispered to the two new people to just stand there and not touch anything.

They were both covered from head to toe in black. They even both wore black masks. Most of the students looked at them oddly, and they were poised in the most ridiculous poses they could come up with. The man had pushed his chest out, and had clenched his fists and rested them on his hips, legs open. The woman had one arm resting on the arm of the man, and the other was poised just like the mans, hand in a fist, resting on her hip.

"Professor, do you recognize these two people?" Harry asked and paused, waiting for an answer.

With a sigh, Snape said, "Let me guess. That," he pointed to the man, "is supposed to be Batman. And that," pointing at the woman, "is Catwoman?"

"Yes! That would be Batman and Catwoman. Just like you SAID yesterday!" Harry went back to pacing in front of the teachers desk. "You are no longer allowed to say anything like you did yesterday. Do you understand me? Merlin only knows where the heck that dinosaur went off to!"

Snape was actually a little afraid, Harry looked absolutely insane at the moment. All he could do was swallow hard, and nod his head.

"Good. Ok," Harry said, looking relieved. Just when he went to open his mouth, there was a loud bang and a pop from behind him.

He spun, and saw a great big red puff of smoke by Neville's cauldron. When the smoke had cleared, there was a purple pumpkin on the floor. But this little pumpkin had a black mask and a belt with a bat on it.

"Damn it, Batman!" Harry growled, picking up the pumpkin, "I told you not to touch anything!"


End file.
